You didn't turn back.

Little voice in my head says:

That's that then, isn't it?

I guess that Starbucks I got you wasn't the right flavor, like how I'm not the right guy for you.

I don't know what got over me....this desperate attempt to please you, to just see you smile. I wonder why did I go through all that rush just to hand-deliver you that Starbucks at your doorstep...

I don't know. I'm crazy.

And even with just us standing there, I couldn't even say anything that was on my mind. That last hug, I tried to put everything I had in it...but I guess you couldn't tell.

Then you walked away, I watched your retreating back....

You didn't turn back.

And at that moment I realized, this is really, finally, is the end.

I'll be living with the constant regret that I couldn't look you square in the eyes and tell you how I feel...after all these years.

The last chance.

Little voice in my head says:

To speak or not to speak?

I really do wanna talk things out with you. It's a closure I've been really wanting. Like, I wouldn't be a real friend to you if I can't be honest about my feelings.

Then again, I was never honest with my feelings to begin with.

It's always me?

Little voice in my head says:

I'm too convenient now, am I?

So, I've been thinking (something I've been doing too much too), if I do decide to pull back a bit, will you care? Will you come running after me?

Or will you just act as if nothing is happening again?

Distance, it's what I need from you right now.

Just a thought.

Re-realization.

Little voice in my head says:

Have you looked into a mirror recently?

So like, I was just complaining to a friend of mine like, I never had the balls to confess and tell you how I really feel about you, face to face.

I never had closure on this matter, not with you.

And just when I thought, Hey, maybe it's time to just put it all out on table...

I realized that, no, I do not have any right to do so. Why? Well, let's just say it's because of self-esteem issues regarding my physical traits.

I have no cards to play on the table.

I mean, me next to you, it's already a joke. Sigh.

You're pretty as hell. You deserve like a handsome, witty, charismatic and buff dude.

Me? I'll forever be that friend who will always support you no matter what, eventhough I come home every night and moan about the pain inside.

Such a loser I am. Forever will be. Goodnight.

One being immature.

Little voice in my head says:

I can never look into your eyes for more than 5 seconds,only if it's a photo.

The things you say about him, I say the same about you too. The pain you feel for him, I feel for you too. Funny isn't it? If only you'd turn around...

I've got nothing, really.

As usual.

Back to the hiding hole.

Little voice in my head says:

You're a coward.

This is like talking to myself. Again.

Well, I'm back. Back to this old hiding hole. Because sometimes, when you REALLY need to express certain thoughts, well, you shouldn't rely on those over-used social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr...)

In a way, I'm glad Blogger is sorta dead. I guess.

So it's been almost a year since my last post. A lot has happened really. Went to Canada, finished my freshman year, back now, leaving soon...

...Still very very very much crazy over you.

This is so stupid.

To be very honest, deep down, I feel sort of, disregarded. Like, I'm not sure if my actions actually speak my mind. Am I being too vague? I thought I was being friggin obvious. But then again, as always, you have me believe that you pretend not to see it. So I pretend too.

And allllll this pretending got me this winded up.

I hate to see you sad, because when you do, in a way, you're sort of like me. You let sadness drown you. I know how it feels. Maybe you might disagree, but at least I can empathize.

I know you are hurting. It hurts me too. hurts me more actually. I'm not sure if you noticed, but I've been hurting way longer. 4 years soon really.

But I'm not here to like, compare our sufferings. Don't we all believe that our own pain is the greatest of all?

Do you know how hard it is for me to see you suffer like this? And even harder and tougher for me to hold it in when I know you're crying over someone else? I want to be that friend that comforts you, but my feelings for you get in the way, and I become bitter. God help me, you're gonna hate me for this, but when you do cry over him, part of me just wants you to suffer. Because I'm angry, bitter, jealous....

What kind of friend am I? I'm ashamed, really. But, like you, I can't control my feelings well.

There are times when I feel I'm desperate. And during those times, I force my fantasies to come true. I see things that aren't even there. When you jokingly play with me, I think of it as you flirting with me. When you put your arm around my shoulder or waist, I think of it as you wanting to hold me forever. When you smile at me, I think of it as you having feelings for me, as strong as the ones I have for you.

My delusions are the ones that are killing me inside, not you. I know this, but I insist on putting the blame on you. It's easier to be angry at someone else.

It all comes down to this:

I know. Trust me, I KNOW. I know that what I've been hoping for all these years will never come to pass. I know that what I want from you is impossible. I know I should stop all this delusional dreaming and ramblings of mine and MOVE ON. I know that I will never be good enough for you, that you will never see me in that way, that I can't be the one to make you happy.

Yet, it's because that I know all this, I want you even more. Doesn't make sense to me, but yes, I love you. I hate using the word love, because it is often misused, and the media has turned it into something so clichéd. I blame those hollywood romance crap they feed us that we seem to thrive on.

But those are my honest feelings, which will never reach you.

I guess that's it for now. I've said what I shouldn't have said. But fuck this, I'm hurting too.

And I just want you to know that.