You need to glow before you can shine.

So it’s time to type out the most important (and hopefully, meaningful) post of the year. Yea, new years eve resolution post/reflection post.

Before I started this, I reread the past year end posts I did. Why? Oh you know, doing some re-reflection of my past reflections so I can reflect better for this years reflection.

=)

But anyways, let’s rewind all the way back to January. The start of my college year.

Well, looking back, I wasn’t exactly happy to start off with ICPU. Felt quite of a loner, because besides Victor Tan, there was literally no one I really knew. Dread those days (in fact, weeks) when I had to eat lunch on my own. Was really depressed and down. I guess a lot of stuff happened in 2008, and I think I sorta lost my ‘making-new-friends’ touch. Sigh much.

But ICPU people are not just people, they are awesome people. Reconnected with some people like Jervis and Andrew whom I knew years ago. Made new awesome friends like Shafique, XuanXian, Shauyin, Mohammed, Ali, Parham and so many more. Lecturers were cool, and I really enjoyed my classes (except when it came to ISU’s).

You sense a ‘but’ coming along, and you sensed right.

My ghosts of the past decided to come back to haunt me. I lost count of the posts I wrote expressing this particular…regret and mistake. In the end, I lost a friendship that I patched up after so long. Well, I asked for it. I couldn’t see the bigger picture, I couldn’t control my emotions, and most of all, I couldn’t keep my promise. I’m not such a great guy like people tell me I am after all. I’m still the same as I was 2 years ago.

Then came the 2nd semester of my college life. I got to meet a gang of people that literally turned my world upside down, IN A GOOD WAY. =) I would say, that, the 2nd half of the year for me was one heck of an emotional train ride, ups and downs and all the bumps and curves.

(it spells ICPU)

College life was beginning to look like the life I envisioned. I really treasure the moments. Though, there are some moments that I wished I could forget or erase or even re-do. Again, countless of posts regarding this. But as a highlight,

I’ve learned not to trust so easily anymore. I’ve learned that I’m not ready. I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try, it will never work out, nor will I get what I want. I’ve learned that, indeed, I will never be good enough for anyone.

Fullstop.

Honestly, when I told myself last year that I’ll mature and learn to control my emotions, I really did try. But then again, when was my best ever good enough? In fact, it’s safe to say I screwed up more compared to past years. I squandered 3 friendships, and that’s and all time high for me. Don’t tell me I’ll break another record next year?  =(

Rawr.

To be brutally frank with myself, I would say, I regret about a lot of things that I’ve done and said throughout the year. I had a lot of happy moments, I did. But the down parts of my life just outweighed everything.

Tis ish sho shad.

In general, looking back, I won’t say 2009 was exactly a good year, but it wasn’t that bad either. Though if I could re-do 2009, I would.

I guess, the only thing I can do for 2010, is to forget and move on. It’s hard, I know because that’s been what I’ve been trying to do all this while. Wish me luck.

On a jollier note,

 

Next stop, University.

OH WAIT! I forgot, new years resolution:

Well, this has been my mantra for the past few years:

Some things you can never get, think about that.

So, for the upcoming year, I SHALL DISPOSE OF THIS KIND OF THINKING! 2010! BE POSITIVE LA GODDAMMIT!

Please, remember me for the good times, and not the bad. That’s all I’m asking.

It was the violet flower that started the chaos.

I thought I was ready, I really did. Nights and nights of thinking and brooding. Hours and hours of talking with close friends…

But I wasn’t, never was.

So when it came to physical confrontation, it took all that I had to keep a straight face. I was struggling not to burst out. I had to run away as fast as I could, because it hurt so bad inside.

I am such a pathetic failure.

So everything I told myself since 4 years ago were true. All of it, irrefutable facts.

I don’t deserve anybody, coz they deserve better than me.

I will never get what I want.

I’m never good enough.

Fuck, when I tried so hard and took me so long to stagger to my feet again, it all came crashing down, in just one night. How much more fragile can I get?

It’s hard to not think about it, when everything is just staring right at your face. Moving on is one thing. Letting go is another. To move on, you have to let go.

This feels so familiar, typing this again to end my post:

Things you can never get, think about that.

I mean, who uses Colgate anymore?

HEEELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I still remember, THAT was the first word for my first ever blog post of my first blog. (serious! i went back to my first blog to double-check FIRST somemore.)

I mean, I started blogging because back then in 2005, I didn’t understand what was the big hype about blogging then, so I decided, let’s give it shot.

What started out as curiosity, ended up as obsession.

OK LA, being the sohai form 3 kid I was, I had NEGATIVE amount knowledge of computer and internet shiznit. (the only thing I knew what to do was to turn on the goddamn comp, and play Ragnarok.) I ended up forgetting not ONE, but TWO of my blogs’ password. So victorisnotyou.blogspot.com, being the 3rd attempt, was my FIRST ever serious blog. (serious in a sense that I remember the password and post stuff up there for real la, shuddup)

So how good can a 15 year old kid be at blogging? Answer: very bad.

You know, I was literally LAUGHING MY TESTICLES OFF while reading my posts back then, thinking: THIS WAS THE ONLY SHIT I COULD COME UP WITH? And then I realized, how much I’ve grown as a person and blogger.

Oh, and I cannot blog with music on, distracts me like-

‘I WANNA FUCK A DOG IN THE ASS, JUST WANNA FUCK A DOG IN THE ASS! WANNA FUCK A DOG!’ (by Blink 182)

There, see? >=(

Anyways. Moving on to my sophomore years in high school. I changed my blog URL to victorissonotyoula.blogspot.com in an ATTEMPT to be FUNNY. (needless to say, FAILED pretty badly) My form 4 & 5 years were very…eventful, which lead to daily blogging, sometimes, 2 posts per day. Yes, I was that obsessed. I mean, 16-17 year old angst-ridden teen given a place/tool to rant as much as he wants? C’mon.

Then of course, what I presumed to be my best friend, turned out to be my thorn in the ass. Long story cut short, my emo phase TURNED ON. So yea.

…

No, it’ll take me at least 1000+ words to sum up what happened then.

IN A NUTSHELL, I decided to shut down that blog, start a new one. THIS ONE in fact. theworldaintemo.blogspot.com. See the connection? No? Like, turn over a new leaf la! DON’T EMO SO MUCH MAR!

…

another example of fail.

I was (probably still am) much too naive to think that I will never ever feel sad or depressed again after ‘that’ incident. Short-sightedness, that’s what we call it. But I honestly did try not to fill up this blog with emo shits like I did previously. I started out great, you know, being a lil sarcastic in my posts.

BUT.

Shit happens. Mostly to me.

So for those of you (very few) people who follows this blog, you may (or may not) have noticed that I blocked public views. Reason?

…

Take a guess. =.=

Yea. Emo.

I was really,really shot down, to the point I actually had to block my blog to sorta stop myself from writing emo stuff. I knew the more I wrote, the emo-er I get. So drastic measures had to be taken.

Yet, not blogging just didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me at all.

All I can say is, that the whole week of last week, I don’t want to remember nor mention it anymore. What happened, happened. No point crying over spilt milk (forgive cliche).

I can never give up blogging, no matter how hard I try. So I’m not gonna stop, nor am I gonna close this blog and start a new one. (that’s gay) Hopefully, I’ll be 100% myself very, very soon.

A quick update of the status of the current me:

1. Bored
2. Bored
3. Bored
4. A little bit sad/wistful.
5. Bored
6. …
7. Fuck this shit

IT’S GODDAM XMAS EVE AND I’M HERE TYPING THIS SHIT! RAWR!

Signing off,

I am Vaginasaurus Sex.

In case I don’t get a chance to wish you tomorrow. I missed blogging. =)

Fireflies in my jar.

RAWR!

Omg, can’t believe I’m actually blogging. Busy mar…and a lot of stuff dah happened these past few days.

So Graduation Day was awesome. Got quite a lot of praises for my MC speech which I still feel I don’t really deserve, but thanks a lot of anyways. Grades a tad disappointing, but hey! still better than I expected.

Watched New Moon with Cat and Ferret, but that sucked so bad, I don’t even want to blog about it.

Then few days later watched Couples Retreat with thebestfriend. Hmm…not a bad movie la, but not one you will remember and want to watch a second time. Meh.

AND FINALLY! AFTER SOOOO EFFIN LONG! I GOT TO WATCH PRINCESS AND THE FROG! JIZZZ!!!!

my verdict:

I still love Disney.

Why? The story was funny, heart-warming, and magical. It made my night. Literally. =)

Meow.

I’d probably suck at this, but I’ll learn quick. I want to be there when you need me. Learn to trust me. I’ll do my best. I’m going to miss you like hell, but I guess this is going to be my first trial. Enjoy your trip.

This Christmas is going to be lonely. But I’ll deal with it. =)

Sox. Soy.

Today, after graduation day rehearsal, Sarah haris, sareena and yours truly had insane cravings for Domino’'s Classified Chicken, and that’s what we got.

2 Large pizzas, one cinnasticks, one breadsticks, 2 cans of Sprite and 2 Cans of Coke.

Semua habis. We were that hungry. Lots of dirty talking to help with digestion too. HEE

And THAT, was before my nap.

Now that' i’ve woken up, I am SOOOOO pissed off right now, I can’t even articulate proper words. (which is why I’m typing)

Screw TOEFL shit, because of that, my application to University of Toronto is in deep shit. Fuck me silly.

I hate it so bad when you do that. and you were complaining I wasn’t talking to you. what about now? what about you? such hypocrisy.

Kill me right now. ergh

Systematic, So Dramatic.

You know, it’s like, you realized something really long ago, forgot about it, then you re-realized it again. Yes, that much fail in me.

I realized that

I will never be good enough. For anything, for anyone. And yes, I have proof to back up that statement. (not sharing though.)

Well, I did share this thought with a couple of friends, and they told me, ‘Yea sure, coz there are and always will be people who are better than us.’

I agree, totally. But what if it’s something you wanted, something you tried hard to get? And everything just comes down in shambles at the very end. The end. yeah, belakang sana tu. And reason why that happens? I’m not good enough, so I get thrown aside.

Rawr.

After all this, I still didn’t learn my lesson. I keep telling myself, stop giving yourself false hope, you’ll only hurt yourself. Together now: It’s easier said than done.

Imagine me down here, and my goal/dream is up there. And I need to overcome this ladder to success. All that’s between me and my dream is…well, the ladder.

I have not the strength to toil or climb anymore. I’m tired.

Some things you can never get, think about that.

A line that has been with me since my high school days. Holds so much truth in it.

I hate being the loser. I hate not getting what I want. I hate how I have to tell myself I’m not good enough for anyone. I hate how things always ends up being a train wreck at the end. I hate forcing that smile on my face. I hate the feeling of never knowing how it is to be handsome/successful. I hate it when I get mixed signals. I hate having false hopes. I hate being alone. I hate not being to able to say the things I really want to say. I hate how I can never cross that boundary line. I hate it when I get played around. I hate it when I know I can never have you.

Jeez.

Take a pen, stab.

OMGGGGG!!!

OH EM GEE!!!!

GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY

GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY!!!!

FUCKK!!!

ARGHHH!!!

LOL LOL LOL!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

shitfacefuckincockfagmonkeyballsontoast.

WALAO EH!!!

I FEEL SO FUCKING NOOB NOW THAT I WANT TO DIE!!!

MOST FML MOMENT BY FAR IN MY WHOLE LIFE!

I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! NO WAIT, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S SO NOOB THAT I CAN’T!

lesson:

double check. double mutha fucking check.

I’m still broke. Someone belanja me or take me out please? meow.

Summersplash Rape Coaster.

I need to chill.

*teh o kosong tambah aiiisss!!!*

Hoooboyyy…I got an emcee coaching session with this dude next monday.

sorry it was the only decent picture I could get of him. (LOL at mostbeautifulman.com at the bottom there)

ok I lied. there are more decent pictures out there, like this.

OK I have seriously no idea why I’m posting pictures of a semi-nude dude.

But he’s not just any dude. You guys might remember him as the host of Amazing Race Asia, Allan Wu. Yeap, he’s a taylor’s alumni, and he’s gonna gimme some pointers on how to become a better emcee for my Graduation Day.

I hope he’s nice. You know what they say about TV personalities.

And I need to get that speech done for the goddamn Open Day.

And I’m grounded, for denting the car. Oh yay. Sigh, I won’t have money to go out anyways. I’m officially flat broke, and this is only Day 3 of my holidays. =.=

LOL. Gotta love Dr Tran. You don’t like him? oh boy, he’s gonna FUCK YOU UP!

…

……

what? I can’t be emo all the time right? Meh.

I will run with one leg if it will open your heart.

Sigh, it’s already 12.30am, so I guess I have to say the things that happened to me YESTERDAY (though it was only a few hours ago) really made me…no, IS MAKING me feeling so crappy now, I can just break down and cry.

Seriously, the whole effin night, eventhough there was great company, shit just had to keep happening. Fuck.

First, I don’t even know we are still arguing over the same thing. I’ve been honest all along, if you don’t believe me, it’s your goddam loss.

And then I scratched my car. Fuck it’s not just a scratch, it’s like a dent with multiple scratches. So it’s a…dcratches? FUCK LA. FUCK FUCK FUCK! my dad’s gonna kill me when he wakes up in the morning and sees the wreckage…(ok la, not wreckage, it’s not SO bad. But hey, it’s my first accident, of course he’s gonna freak out right?)

…

…I didn’t choose to be like this. I hope you’ll understand, even a little bit, of what I’m going through now. Or maybe you wouldn’t, because I never said anything, so that constitutes to my fault I guess. I’m not a fighter. Maybe I was, but not now. I can’t do anything anymore. I’m just…

…I don’t want to give up yet.

and the tears I’ve been holding all night has finally come. Thank you.

The little ball deflated and did a little jig.

Say it with me now:

EXAMS ARE O-VUH! SAY IT! O-VUH! (sounds like ovary)

This is so weird man, like, after I handed in that last paper (which incidentally was my Law paper, and to tell you the truth, it did not get my balls like previously mentioned in the post before this, but it did burn off my foreskin) only then did I realize that my college life is 110% over! OMG la. DAMN FAST WEI!

Well.

I have nothing more to say. I am gonna sleep my days away.

…

no, I’m gonna go enjoy the last few days of my 18th year of life. AND AND AND! CHRISTMAS IS COMING SOOOONNN!!!!! YEA! XD XD XD

Can’t wait to watch Princess and The Frog with cat and ferret. teehee.

This hurt runs much more deeper than you think. I’m just protecting myself.

The Werepigs are out to get us. Run.

YES! JIZZ! ONE MORE FRIGGIN PAPER LEFT AND ITS GOODBYE ICPU FOREVER!!!

FYI, tomorrow’s paper is Law, which in my opinion, will effortlessly shave my balls clean and poach them to the right degree of softness, then proceed to deep fry it and garnish it with basil leaves and a squirt of lemon on top.

You didn’t read that.

Yes, I’ve been fairly emo and disturbed these past days. Trust me, you do not want to experience what I just went through. (yes, 13 year olds adolescence’s favorite line) So enough was enough. Called thebestfriend and had a long talk about it. She never fails to make me feel ten tons better.

And I came to the conclusion that, there are really SOME thick-skinned people in my life. Enough said. And thinking about that, somehow makes me feel my circle of friends is getting smaller and smaller. Lonely and alone? I don’t know.

For all that it’s worth, I don’t wanna care any more. I will spend my time with people who really care for my feelings. Yes, I’m feeling very bitchy now. But it’s time I get on the offensive side and STOP taking crap into my life.

Oh, and happy birthday to my sex partner SARAH SHEAH! I don’t have a very racy and sexy picture of us, so I can’t post any. But hey! Remember the good sex we had. *wink*

Spinning.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend…

Ten bottles of rum, still not so hung.

Hmm…desensitized eh?

I’ve been thinking, maybe it wasn’t any of their faults. Perhaps it’s just me. I’m too weak. I’m too soft. Getting thrown around like that, just because I’m being nice. A friend of mine told me I should toughen up, not to let myself get emotionally abused so easily. My answer? I said, Naw, I’m just being me, I can’t be mean to girls.

So that thinking got my ass bitten thrice.

Oho, the first time, I was asking for it. No doubt about that. The second time…I’m still not really sure what happened, but I concluded that maybe I was too soft. Lastly, for the third…well, perhaps my feelings had no value at all. It’s like, I get this hope, then it gets crushed. I get picked up, then thrown away.

And surprisingly, I’m not angry at anyone. No.

I’m just hating myself for being this weak.

They say three strikes and you’re out. I’m out for good. I’m never going to trust again. I’ve been easy on myself, and hence, all these scars. I’m gonna protect myself from now on. I think, I deserve, even if it’s just a little, some security.

Life goes on. But I got my armor on now. =)

I got better. I want to do my best.

I woke up this morning, lying on my bed, thinking.

Vaginasaurus Sex.

Yes. I would like to have people call me that. LOL. Random much.

Studying? Hmm…getting it through bit by bit laaaa…HEE.

I want to give it my all. I hate it when I can’t make you feel better or smile, such a failure. I want to make this work. Don’t make it another deja-vu. =)

EDIT:

wow, really deja-vu. I think, I’m done for this time. Why was I so eager to trust in myself again? What’s my mantra again?…oh, right:

I’ll never get what I want.

Bye.

I shall take off this mask now.

Wow. You stun me to no end. Tsk.

Why? you ask. Such nerve, for you to utter that single word. Such raw nerve. Tsk.

This reminded me that you’re not the person I thought you were. Tsk.

 

Oh… had fun with my dear sister Vivian today. Went all the way to Mont Kiara just to find a place to chillax and drink. And you know me, a guy with a car driving at night, bound to get lost or take a wrong turning. Yea, we did, ended up in Mont Kiara after 2 attempts.

Then after chilling, we wanted to head home la…

‘eh…take left here.’

‘Sure ar?’

‘Yes, turn turn turn.’

‘ok ok ok…’

So we were driving, or more like I was behind the wheel, and cars were zooming past us on the opposite lane. Normal la. two way street.

or so we thought.

Because there were cars in front of us, swerving to the other lane as we drove down the road. And i was shouting at them: ‘SOHAI LA! STICK TO YOUR OWN LANE!’

‘Eh…korkor…look at the road, the arrow points the opposite way la…’

‘…’

together now: ‘SHIT!’

I am going to hit the books tomorrow. Goodnight.

you just gotta love these graphs. So accurate.

ICPU. I Can PWNZ U?

Wow, another chapter of my life has just ended. Only two words to describe ICPU:

Abrupt end.

No seriously, I don’t feel like ICPU is ending. It was only 2 days ago that my friend reminded me: OMG VICTOR, WE’RE NOT GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN AFTER WEDNESDAY!

And then it hit me. Hard.

College was definitely an eye-opener to me. It taught me lots of things, besides academically. I mean, I think it served as a reminder than a lesson. It reminded me of things I should’ve done, reminded me of who I should be and what I shouldn’t be doing, and reminded me that everything is not always a bed of roses.

I enjoyed my college life, no doubt about that. I loved going to campus early in the morning, searching for an empty locker to use. I loved the classes, because they were something completely new and refreshing for me. I loved the friends I made, because they reminded me that I’m still a big kid at heart. I love how sociable everyone was in the programme. I loved the lunch breaks, because we’ll be arguing and deciding WHERE TO EAT every single college day.

Yet, the life I had in college wasn’t always sunshine and clotted cream. I had my fair share of pains. Hated the over-complicated assignments, hated when the lecturers gave me low marks, and I hate that there are some things that should’ve have been dealt with and wrapped up, but ended up hanging there, unresolved. Well, it’s probably too late to rectify any mistakes, or get any issues straightened out. Though honestly, I would love to talk about it…at least, you know, just talk about it. That’s all.

But the laughs and randomness experienced every friggin day made everything count. It was worth it. Fun to the max. =)

I’ll miss ICPU. I’ll miss the fun times. But most of all, I’ll miss the friends I made. They’re like, the most awesomest bunch of people you can ever get to meet. 1 year is too short for us, and I would’ve loved to have more time to get to know you guys so much more better. We had our moments, we had our fun. I’ll remember that, and that’s what matters. Good luck to you guys! One last meet up on Graduation Day!!

Sigh.

I’ll deal. Knowing that everyone will be going their separate ways soon. I’ll deal. I’m a very emotionally attached person, and I’m not really good at expressing myself.

Oh let’s not forget, today someone’s celebrating their 17th Birthday! Someone whom I hold very dear too!

BUNNY LOW YEE AUN! Happy Happy Happy Birthday to you!!! All the best in your exams and life. You’ve been a sister to me, and always will be. It’s ok la, you’re not THAT short, just fun-sized. *snicker* Love you.

And so, this post shall end now.

You said you loved me. You said it.

Pretty much self-explanatory. Sigh. I can’t believe I’m still working on my assignments when school’s gonna end tomorrow. I am a fucking failure.

No sleep tonight.

Revelations. They come in packs. Pick a size.

Some times, we need to test our eye sight. Lol.

Today, I was playing pool with kawans la, after so long of not playing, I realized how sucky I’ve become.

But that’s not the point. I was sorta…well, while watching the balls get hit and rolling all over the table, I sorta saw my life as that scenario. I know, I know, it doesn’t make sense, but then again, most parts of my life just leave me dumbfounded and speechless. Suck on that, cockfags.

Imagine I’m the white ball, or cue ball as they call it. It’s like, I’m hitting other balls, hoping to get close to them, to touch them. Sometimes I do, sometimes I miss. But when I do make contact with another ball, it just rolls away. And there are times when I roll with it, but the ball goes into the pockets. Gone. Other times, I want to hit a specific ball, miss, hit others, or get knocked away.

…

Wow. Randomness to the max. Ignore me.

Oh, and I watched 2012 last week. Pretty awesome movie. Got me paranoid now. Heck, I was actually emotionally moved when this guy was saying something like ‘Who do you call one last time before you go?’ It got me wondering, if I were going to die…and I died without saying the things I wanted to say…damn. I would definitely cry in hell.

I actually cried a little after reading our past convo’s. heh.

I should be doing my assignments now. >.<

HalleluYah.

It’s Sunday morning, thank God there’s no rain falling. lol.

OK, I’m gonna finish up my conflict report, CCA Law and shoot a stupid QOL video.

Shouldn’t be hard right?

…

fuck me.

It’s not like I care, in fact, I don’t even want to look at you. I’m just still angry and hurt over the things done and said to me. Fullstop.

I miss you. A lot. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

And, don’t give up before we can even start.

Smoke in the air and ashes on the ground.

Probably because this isn’t the first time.

Hell, I hate faltering at the last step. I always do.

I am desensitized. Big time.

castrate me.

and the little voice in my head…just talks too much. shut up already.

Enough.

Haha. seriously damn fail. I spent like 15 mins starting at my laptop screen, trying to think of a suitable blog post title.

and that was what I settled for. Yeah. It means a lot, to me at least.

Because I don’t even know what I’m feeling now.

I’m just so…numb.

Hmm…something is missing in my life. Dammit. What is it?

fucking hell, gotta stop listening to emo songs.

Yes., that’s my car. Just like that. I’ve drove, all this while, but some times, my car has auto-pilot mode, and it usually takes over because I’m a lousy driver. lol. Going through so many different places, but when I want to stop, it just keeps dragging me on. My car is smart, it knows when it’s dangerous for me to stay at a certain place, so it tries to drive me off somewhere safe. I didn’t listen. The place proved to be really…well, my car got damaged pretty badly. But heck, if it’s one thing I should give credit for, it’s my damn car’s resilience. So on we drove…and, this process, me being stubborn and ending up hurting my car, happened over and over again. Now, it has finally broken down. And I’m stuck in the middle of no where. I should’ve listened. I didn’t. So now…where am I?

I can’t move on with a broken car.

Let’s make love forever and a day.

Crap, It’s raining outside. Here we go again.

Sigh, hate what the rain always does to me. Why can’t we have sunshine and clotted cream everyday??? HMM???

I’m not happy with my grades la. What the hell, expected it to go up, but it went the other way, down. WTF man. At this rate, I don’t even know if I can make it to Canada. bummer.

College is ending…in almost less than 2 weeks! Heck, that’s another friggin year gone. I’ll be parting with awesome people that made me feel like I’ve known them forever. I really really wish we could’ve spent more time to know each other even better. Sigh. I’m really gonna miss you guys…(not the bra flashes though)

Hell. I’m coughing like shit. Need to lay off them cancer sticks.

I wish the ghosts of my past would stop bugging me. Hell, I know how you feel now Scrouge. (hint: I want to watch Christmas Carols)

All…that is happening around me now…I don’t know. It just feels sorta stagnant yet overwhelming at the same time.

And now the bag of chips I’m munching on has suddenly become tasteless. dammit.

Forget about losing weight, I’ll be happy NOT to gain any more, but…*munch munch* *swallow*

 

Not happening. Circumcise me.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

Gotta live like we’re dying.

I’m living my life just fine, but it’s just not the same any more without you. Perhaps I should change to get used to your absence. Or maybe it was your absence that changed me. I can’t remember your voice any more, I’m scared. I don’t want to. My memories, what was and what wasn’t.

And so, looking back is what I can only do now.

Signs that you have a bad pilot.

You’ve been going UP for the past 2 hours.

I dunno why la, but I couldn’t stop laughing after reading that. Yes, I am easily amused.

Once my exams are all done, I’m gonna spend some serious time re-connecting with a lot of my old friends. Yes, we’ve been outta touch for a very long time. You know who you are. XD

Hooboy, I didn’t get anything done over the weekend…again. Bummer.

Watched This Is It yesterday with karven,cassie, sarah and EC. For a 50 year old guy, he still has it…wait, had it. After the movie, man, only then I truly felt his absence in this world. RIP MJ, you still the man.

And Chili’s pigging out session was SEX.

Oh, and my favorite pair of jeans (the ones I got from Topman) had a small rip on the back, and it got bigger and bigger. Damn sad lor, and my mom said they can’t be jahited balik. Sigh…what to do?

Buy new ones.

>=3

Yes, today I got myself 2 new pairs of Levi jeans…and as an added bonus, Daddy got me my first, new pair of Converse sneakers. Loving em loads. To quote Shin, they are ‘sex shoes’.

On a completely random and disgusting note, I farted so hard and loud, my chair actually vibrated.

I’m to damn cute la. LOL.

Love is won over by ignorance.

Rawr. Got so much stuff going on in my life now.

FML moment now is that I ALMOST got voted Valedictorian. SIGH

Oh well.

Gonna finish up Law CCA this weekend. Tomorrow gonna go watch 2012 with the gang.

I had the same dream again. It was so…unrealistically sweet. Will it ever happen? I like to think it will, because it’s so innocently simple. So simple, that I kinda think I’m being the world’s biggest idiot right now.

Sigh. University application…

and…

Should I open up my heart again? It’s still slashed up and torn. >.<

Tempest Turn. Whatever that means.

HELOOOO!!!!

Today,

I have nothing interesting to blog about. I should be doing my work really.

And so I will.

But I have only one thing to say today, and that is:

Some people are just so bloody thick-skinned. (chinese litereal meaning la if u dun get it)

Bye-bye.

We need help.

I thought I was ready, guess I’m still not.

Though I think my commendable acting deserves some credits. Heh. I’m getting better at this.

I don’t want to go NS laaa…ISH.

and University applications make me realize how fast we’re growing up, how fast we need to leave behind our innocence.

but you know what? It’s fine, because we were never innocent to begin with. XP

at night, I curl up in my closet.

I'm getting tired of asking,
This is the final time,
So did I make you happy?
Because you cried an ocean,
But there's a thousand lines,
About the way you smile,
Written in my mind,
But every single word's a lie.
I never wanted everything to end this way,
But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey.
I swore to you that I would do my best to change,
But you said it don't matter,
I'm looking at you from another point of view,
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you,
I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do.
Is this a sign from Heaven,
Showing me the light?
Was this supposed to happen?
I'm better off without you,
So you can leave tonight,
And don't you dare come back and try to make things right,
'Cause I'll be ready for a fight, yeah.

I never wanted everything to end this way,
But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey.
I swore to you that I would do my best to change,
But you said it don't matter,
I'm looking at you from another point of view,
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you,
I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do.

because the hurt still goes on. fuck.

this title is not a song lyric.

I think I have serious internet addiction problem. No joke. >.<

I am charging my iPod now.

I haven’t shaved yet, but I’ll do that after this.

…

right, my life is very uninteresting.

Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world 'til the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm into the blue
And when I lose myself I think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new
Through the monsoon just me and you.

Sigh. It’s easier said than done. These things we call ‘memories’ just latch onto you like a couple of blood-depraved leeches, just won’t let go…or is it me that is refusing to forget? Maybe I’m not so over you yet.

PENGUIN PLUSHIE

or

HUSKY PLUSHIE

OMG! I would DIE like motherfucking 100 times to get my hands on either one of those plushies…or even better, I WANT BOTH! Someone please buy that for my Xmas present, you’ll be making me VERY HAPPY. *hint*

LOL. fail.

Will take no shit from a helicopter.

CONFERENCE IS OVER!! YES! FINALLY! FUCK IT FOREVER!!!!

That’s one big pressure off my shoulders. Now to concentrate on English and Law. Sigh.

Can’t believe it’s already November. I feel this year has been a…well, I don’t know, I just feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time. Just a small feeling.

and I hate pretending everything’s all right.

Gluteous Maximus like a firefly

The little voice in my head is back again, and it says:

‘Victor, you damn failure child. Yes, and I’m back to bug the shit outta you.’

Ergh.

STRESS banyak banyak. I hate ISU month. Ergh.

And I’m getting so worked up and paranoid about my Would Issues Conference this Saturday. It feels like EVERYTHING could go wrong. ARGH! tolong la…please let the shirts be done on time. SIGH.

English ISU is shit. Like, the shit in my toilet bowl after my explosive diarrhea.

Law Mock Trial practice…sigh, I need to start getting in ‘character’, Morry McFellon. What kinda gay name is that? Not to mention my CCA that’s due on 20th. Feels like it’s tomorrow!

Oh, and I failed my Moral.

Yes, laugh. How can anyone fail moral? Apparently I can. I failed with style, and I did it immorally. Pffft.

And I need to set straight a lot of knots in my life.

And oh boy, I miss you like hell. >.<"

Today,

Karven, Sareena and Veevien were talking about children with like, metal names. Jewel, Ruby, Diamond or what-ever la.

Me: Oh, then if it’s a guy? Let’s call him…Mithril!

Them: … *shake head*

Me: FINE! How about…call him Adamantium? Then he can say: Hi I’m Adamantium, but you can call me ADAM!’

 

 

I swear to God I’m not the lamest dude in my program.

And to noobcat, LI CHUNG does not sound like a WORM’s name. 

You’re already the voice inside my head.

This always happens to me.

Both ways, mind you.

And I’m not liking it at all, fed up actually.

The wall of icy cold silence, stands strong and tall before my insistent hammering on it.

It’s as clear as glass, I can see the other side, I just can’t cross over.

I’m sorry for all the things I’ve said and done,

And I forgive every wrong that’s been done to me.

Let’s take a step back and restart over ok?

Please?

To all of you.

Love is when you wanna kiss and you get bit.

I swear, deja-vu.

No matter who and no matter how, the ending is the same. Always the same. Even if it’s not 100%, there will be a 90% similarity. And you know what? I’m too tired of this to be hurt or angry.

Maybe this is my way with girls. I’m just not cut out for it.

And hell, I hate the end of the semester, where all the workload and assignments pile up, and people start getting grouchy and stressed (myself included), heck, I’ll be glad when all of this is over.

All I need now is a Reset button. Like, to stop, RESET, then restart everything all over again. Now, wouldn’t that be wonderful?

‘Colin needs menstrual pills to get rid of his mood swings.’ LOL DEBRA!

and I want to tell you, it’s not like that. Hope you’ll understand.

and i want to tell You, that I miss you and the times we had that seemed to happen so long ago.

but YOU should just disappear.

I’ve hurted, and now I got hurt.

this was like, once, the furthest i went with makeup. Quite gay.

Until now…

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell. Heh, literally.

Long time since I did a picture post. Friday, 30/11. Halloween Eve party.

lol, Samurai Kid meets…devil/ghost mafia-ish guy. =.=

31/11. Trick or Treat at Sonia’s place @Aman Suria.

We got lotsa candies!!! Funny FML moment of the night:

*Ding-dong*

Uncle opens the door.

‘HAPPY HALLOWEEN! TRICK OR TREAT!

*silence*

Uncle peers at us, then shuffles out towards the gate.

‘What you want?’

‘Er…Trick or Treat?’

*stare*

‘We er…we’re supposed to get candies? you know, it’s Halloween.’

*stares longer*

‘Candy? Sorry sorry! *waving hand shooing us away* I NOT THERE! I NOT THERE!’

WTF. WTF??? WTF IS ‘I NOT THERE?’ Omg, Fail much.

Yes, congratulations to Shin, for passing your drivers test. Now you can fetch me FOR A CHANGE. *hint*

OMG, ISU for english due next thursday, HAVEN’T START! CCA for Law, due 20th, HAVEN’T START! World Issues Workshop presentation slides, due this Saturday, along with the World Issues Conference, HAVEN’T REVISED! Moral Project essay due tomorrow (actually, it’s over-due, tomorrow last chance to hand in), HAVEN’T BEGUN TO CARE!

Heh. Stress much? Maybe.

I broke my drumsticks beating the blue pelican.

Karma.

OK, I’m seriously a believer now.

Like, seriously.

Karma, ouch man, the revelation you get when you experience it, like, a punch in the stomach, a mental kick to your brain.

Hurts much. So my past begins to haunt me again.

I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.

HEE HEE! Did that scare you? No? Chill la…I’m not turning emo. That was just me after the Halloween Eve Party in Taylors.

Today,

I realized that chinese taxi drivers are still the best.

I realized that I am really a lazy bastard, after seeing my friends working so hard on a project.

I realized that my pants, once fitted snugly, now feels effin TIGHT.

I realized I only had 2 curry puffs, one coke and a cupcake for the WHOLE DAY.

I realized just 10 minutes ago, I AM HUNGRY.

I realized that ICPU lecturers can come up with the whackiest Halloween costume ever.

I realized that I actually look pretty cool in white contact lenses, if I may say so myself. HEE.

I realized that I still sweat A LOT. (‘a lot’ is an under-statement)

I realized that not many people care about Halloween. Whatever, HAPPY HALLOWEEN PEOPLE!

I realized that I did not get any candy during the Halloween Eve party. WTF man.

I realized that after typing this for about 15 mins…

IT IS ANDREW TAN WEI AUN’s 18th BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday Mr President. Best wishes and stuff. You did a great job with the party.

I realized that I didn’t give credits to those who helped organize the party too!

So, to all those involved (lazy to find out one by one who did what and what) thanks for making the party happen. =) Great job people!

I realized that I still have my eyeliner on…(omg it won’t come off it won’t come off it' won’t come off!)

I also realized that I was a fool for trying to believe. Deep down, I knew it was too good to be true. So all of it was a lie, a stupid fantasy. TBC kononnya. I’ll be the old me you once knew, for old times sake, for the remaining 1 month plus. Because after this, I’ll make sure that staying away from you is my top priority. I promise that you won’t even catch a glimpse of the real, honest side of me again. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to keep smacking my face on the hard floor every time I fall. It hurts pretty bad, but you wouldn’t know. Those small tears were not the results of my contact lenses. So I’m going to swallow everything, and be your friend to the best of my extent. I won’t be mad or angry, because I don’t know if I really want to. But yes, it still hurts, but you wouldn’t care. =)

hehe. Go get some candies and stop reading this.

It was a straight road that lead me back to where I started.

I’m not really being myself these few days. I gotta learn to loosen up. I gotta learn to let go.

Not happening.

Oh, tonight, yes, a few hours ago, was the NOOBEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE!

I felt so noob and failure-tron to the point I wanted to laugh, scream and CRY at the same time.

But I settled to to just swear out loud in my car. in HAKKA. =)

Ok ok, that’s the end of the story, let’s rewind. So like, I needed my gloves for tomorrow’s Halloween Party, and the ones I wanted were at Topman MidValley. Cassie agreed to teman me go buy la.

So I got into my car, reversed outta my house…

WHAM!

I was like HOLYMUTHAWTFSHITHAPPENED?

I reversed into a PARKED, IMMOBILE, BLUE WIRA!

FUCK! Noob test no.1, PASSED.

Then I was making my way to MV la, you know, taking the Kerinchi Link. Like, no problem la, how hard can it be to get to MV? Pfftt…

Apparently, very hard, for me.

I looked around…’EH? WAIT! THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO MV!’

Looked up at the road sign.

‘KUALA LUMPUR, DATARAN MERDEKA.’

Yea, I took the wrong turning, and ended up going to KL.

Noob test no.2, PASSED.

So I was like, chill la Victor, KL only mar, just find an exit going to Bangsar or PJ, then you’ll be fine.

Oh, I should like to mention that KL looks VERY DIFFERENT at night.

Coz apparently I couldn’t find any helpful roadsigns, and I drove DEEPER into the hearts of the city. Hopelessly lost, I was looking left and right for familiar landmarks. None. Because I only drove to KL ALONE once, and that was to KLCC. Shit. Don’t know how, I ended up in some shabby looking corner of the city, like some small kampung area. I was really trying to stop myself from hitting the PANIC BUTTON.

"Shit la…drive straight only, bound to get outta this place somehow.’

Faulty logic and getting lost. Noob test no.3, PASSED.

BUT ALL IS NOT GLOOMY AND DARK! LO AND BEHOLD! I SEE IN THE HORIZON…TIME SQUARE! AHA! With that magnificent building in sight, I tried to direct myself there la.

…

shit, why is time square getting FURTHER AWAY?

By this time, I really wanted to swallow my pride and call my parents edi.

After probably 20 mins, I miraculously found myself on the road to my dad’s office. Hallelujah la! Then found the highway, and FINALLY got to MV. Cepat park, RAN to topman, got my gloves, and zoomed back home.

Epic fail. So fail, my head hurts just by thinking about it.

My feelings were never part of your consideration.

Had quite a downer day. With all the stuff going on in my life, and the workload/academic pressure, I temporarily had a near mental breakdown in class today. Maybe I should’ve just cried and let the tears out. Ergh.

I’d probably bounce back up tomorrow. For now, I am just mostly angry and frustrated.

I have all the goddam reasons to hate you, but no, I can’t do that. Do you know? Do you still know? Or have you chose to ignore all this? I want an answer.