Spinning.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend…

Ten bottles of rum, still not so hung.

Hmm…desensitized eh?

I’ve been thinking, maybe it wasn’t any of their faults. Perhaps it’s just me. I’m too weak. I’m too soft. Getting thrown around like that, just because I’m being nice. A friend of mine told me I should toughen up, not to let myself get emotionally abused so easily. My answer? I said, Naw, I’m just being me, I can’t be mean to girls.

So that thinking got my ass bitten thrice.

Oho, the first time, I was asking for it. No doubt about that. The second time…I’m still not really sure what happened, but I concluded that maybe I was too soft. Lastly, for the third…well, perhaps my feelings had no value at all. It’s like, I get this hope, then it gets crushed. I get picked up, then thrown away.

And surprisingly, I’m not angry at anyone. No.

I’m just hating myself for being this weak.

They say three strikes and you’re out. I’m out for good. I’m never going to trust again. I’ve been easy on myself, and hence, all these scars. I’m gonna protect myself from now on. I think, I deserve, even if it’s just a little, some security.

Life goes on. But I got my armor on now. =)

I got better. I want to do my best.

I woke up this morning, lying on my bed, thinking.

Vaginasaurus Sex.

Yes. I would like to have people call me that. LOL. Random much.

Studying? Hmm…getting it through bit by bit laaaa…HEE.

I want to give it my all. I hate it when I can’t make you feel better or smile, such a failure. I want to make this work. Don’t make it another deja-vu. =)

EDIT:

wow, really deja-vu. I think, I’m done for this time. Why was I so eager to trust in myself again? What’s my mantra again?…oh, right:

I’ll never get what I want.

Bye.

I shall take off this mask now.

Wow. You stun me to no end. Tsk.

Why? you ask. Such nerve, for you to utter that single word. Such raw nerve. Tsk.

This reminded me that you’re not the person I thought you were. Tsk.

 

Oh… had fun with my dear sister Vivian today. Went all the way to Mont Kiara just to find a place to chillax and drink. And you know me, a guy with a car driving at night, bound to get lost or take a wrong turning. Yea, we did, ended up in Mont Kiara after 2 attempts.

Then after chilling, we wanted to head home la…

‘eh…take left here.’

‘Sure ar?’

‘Yes, turn turn turn.’

‘ok ok ok…’

So we were driving, or more like I was behind the wheel, and cars were zooming past us on the opposite lane. Normal la. two way street.

or so we thought.

Because there were cars in front of us, swerving to the other lane as we drove down the road. And i was shouting at them: ‘SOHAI LA! STICK TO YOUR OWN LANE!’

‘Eh…korkor…look at the road, the arrow points the opposite way la…’

‘…’

together now: ‘SHIT!’

I am going to hit the books tomorrow. Goodnight.

you just gotta love these graphs. So accurate.

ICPU. I Can PWNZ U?

Wow, another chapter of my life has just ended. Only two words to describe ICPU:

Abrupt end.

No seriously, I don’t feel like ICPU is ending. It was only 2 days ago that my friend reminded me: OMG VICTOR, WE’RE NOT GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN AFTER WEDNESDAY!

And then it hit me. Hard.

College was definitely an eye-opener to me. It taught me lots of things, besides academically. I mean, I think it served as a reminder than a lesson. It reminded me of things I should’ve done, reminded me of who I should be and what I shouldn’t be doing, and reminded me that everything is not always a bed of roses.

I enjoyed my college life, no doubt about that. I loved going to campus early in the morning, searching for an empty locker to use. I loved the classes, because they were something completely new and refreshing for me. I loved the friends I made, because they reminded me that I’m still a big kid at heart. I love how sociable everyone was in the programme. I loved the lunch breaks, because we’ll be arguing and deciding WHERE TO EAT every single college day.

Yet, the life I had in college wasn’t always sunshine and clotted cream. I had my fair share of pains. Hated the over-complicated assignments, hated when the lecturers gave me low marks, and I hate that there are some things that should’ve have been dealt with and wrapped up, but ended up hanging there, unresolved. Well, it’s probably too late to rectify any mistakes, or get any issues straightened out. Though honestly, I would love to talk about it…at least, you know, just talk about it. That’s all.

But the laughs and randomness experienced every friggin day made everything count. It was worth it. Fun to the max. =)

I’ll miss ICPU. I’ll miss the fun times. But most of all, I’ll miss the friends I made. They’re like, the most awesomest bunch of people you can ever get to meet. 1 year is too short for us, and I would’ve loved to have more time to get to know you guys so much more better. We had our moments, we had our fun. I’ll remember that, and that’s what matters. Good luck to you guys! One last meet up on Graduation Day!!

Sigh.

I’ll deal. Knowing that everyone will be going their separate ways soon. I’ll deal. I’m a very emotionally attached person, and I’m not really good at expressing myself.

Oh let’s not forget, today someone’s celebrating their 17th Birthday! Someone whom I hold very dear too!

BUNNY LOW YEE AUN! Happy Happy Happy Birthday to you!!! All the best in your exams and life. You’ve been a sister to me, and always will be. It’s ok la, you’re not THAT short, just fun-sized. *snicker* Love you.

And so, this post shall end now.

You said you loved me. You said it.

Pretty much self-explanatory. Sigh. I can’t believe I’m still working on my assignments when school’s gonna end tomorrow. I am a fucking failure.

No sleep tonight.

Revelations. They come in packs. Pick a size.

Some times, we need to test our eye sight. Lol.

Today, I was playing pool with kawans la, after so long of not playing, I realized how sucky I’ve become.

But that’s not the point. I was sorta…well, while watching the balls get hit and rolling all over the table, I sorta saw my life as that scenario. I know, I know, it doesn’t make sense, but then again, most parts of my life just leave me dumbfounded and speechless. Suck on that, cockfags.

Imagine I’m the white ball, or cue ball as they call it. It’s like, I’m hitting other balls, hoping to get close to them, to touch them. Sometimes I do, sometimes I miss. But when I do make contact with another ball, it just rolls away. And there are times when I roll with it, but the ball goes into the pockets. Gone. Other times, I want to hit a specific ball, miss, hit others, or get knocked away.

…

Wow. Randomness to the max. Ignore me.

Oh, and I watched 2012 last week. Pretty awesome movie. Got me paranoid now. Heck, I was actually emotionally moved when this guy was saying something like ‘Who do you call one last time before you go?’ It got me wondering, if I were going to die…and I died without saying the things I wanted to say…damn. I would definitely cry in hell.

I actually cried a little after reading our past convo’s. heh.

I should be doing my assignments now. >.<

HalleluYah.

It’s Sunday morning, thank God there’s no rain falling. lol.

OK, I’m gonna finish up my conflict report, CCA Law and shoot a stupid QOL video.

Shouldn’t be hard right?

…

fuck me.

It’s not like I care, in fact, I don’t even want to look at you. I’m just still angry and hurt over the things done and said to me. Fullstop.

I miss you. A lot. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

And, don’t give up before we can even start.

Smoke in the air and ashes on the ground.

Probably because this isn’t the first time.

Hell, I hate faltering at the last step. I always do.

I am desensitized. Big time.

castrate me.

and the little voice in my head…just talks too much. shut up already.

Enough.

Haha. seriously damn fail. I spent like 15 mins starting at my laptop screen, trying to think of a suitable blog post title.

and that was what I settled for. Yeah. It means a lot, to me at least.

Because I don’t even know what I’m feeling now.

I’m just so…numb.

Hmm…something is missing in my life. Dammit. What is it?

fucking hell, gotta stop listening to emo songs.

Yes., that’s my car. Just like that. I’ve drove, all this while, but some times, my car has auto-pilot mode, and it usually takes over because I’m a lousy driver. lol. Going through so many different places, but when I want to stop, it just keeps dragging me on. My car is smart, it knows when it’s dangerous for me to stay at a certain place, so it tries to drive me off somewhere safe. I didn’t listen. The place proved to be really…well, my car got damaged pretty badly. But heck, if it’s one thing I should give credit for, it’s my damn car’s resilience. So on we drove…and, this process, me being stubborn and ending up hurting my car, happened over and over again. Now, it has finally broken down. And I’m stuck in the middle of no where. I should’ve listened. I didn’t. So now…where am I?

I can’t move on with a broken car.

Let’s make love forever and a day.

Crap, It’s raining outside. Here we go again.

Sigh, hate what the rain always does to me. Why can’t we have sunshine and clotted cream everyday??? HMM???

I’m not happy with my grades la. What the hell, expected it to go up, but it went the other way, down. WTF man. At this rate, I don’t even know if I can make it to Canada. bummer.

College is ending…in almost less than 2 weeks! Heck, that’s another friggin year gone. I’ll be parting with awesome people that made me feel like I’ve known them forever. I really really wish we could’ve spent more time to know each other even better. Sigh. I’m really gonna miss you guys…(not the bra flashes though)

Hell. I’m coughing like shit. Need to lay off them cancer sticks.

I wish the ghosts of my past would stop bugging me. Hell, I know how you feel now Scrouge. (hint: I want to watch Christmas Carols)

All…that is happening around me now…I don’t know. It just feels sorta stagnant yet overwhelming at the same time.

And now the bag of chips I’m munching on has suddenly become tasteless. dammit.

Forget about losing weight, I’ll be happy NOT to gain any more, but…*munch munch* *swallow*

 

Not happening. Circumcise me.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

Gotta live like we’re dying.

I’m living my life just fine, but it’s just not the same any more without you. Perhaps I should change to get used to your absence. Or maybe it was your absence that changed me. I can’t remember your voice any more, I’m scared. I don’t want to. My memories, what was and what wasn’t.

And so, looking back is what I can only do now.

Signs that you have a bad pilot.

You’ve been going UP for the past 2 hours.

I dunno why la, but I couldn’t stop laughing after reading that. Yes, I am easily amused.

Once my exams are all done, I’m gonna spend some serious time re-connecting with a lot of my old friends. Yes, we’ve been outta touch for a very long time. You know who you are. XD

Hooboy, I didn’t get anything done over the weekend…again. Bummer.

Watched This Is It yesterday with karven,cassie, sarah and EC. For a 50 year old guy, he still has it…wait, had it. After the movie, man, only then I truly felt his absence in this world. RIP MJ, you still the man.

And Chili’s pigging out session was SEX.

Oh, and my favorite pair of jeans (the ones I got from Topman) had a small rip on the back, and it got bigger and bigger. Damn sad lor, and my mom said they can’t be jahited balik. Sigh…what to do?

Buy new ones.

>=3

Yes, today I got myself 2 new pairs of Levi jeans…and as an added bonus, Daddy got me my first, new pair of Converse sneakers. Loving em loads. To quote Shin, they are ‘sex shoes’.

On a completely random and disgusting note, I farted so hard and loud, my chair actually vibrated.

I’m to damn cute la. LOL.

Love is won over by ignorance.

Rawr. Got so much stuff going on in my life now.

FML moment now is that I ALMOST got voted Valedictorian. SIGH

Oh well.

Gonna finish up Law CCA this weekend. Tomorrow gonna go watch 2012 with the gang.

I had the same dream again. It was so…unrealistically sweet. Will it ever happen? I like to think it will, because it’s so innocently simple. So simple, that I kinda think I’m being the world’s biggest idiot right now.

Sigh. University application…

and…

Should I open up my heart again? It’s still slashed up and torn. >.<

Tempest Turn. Whatever that means.

HELOOOO!!!!

Today,

I have nothing interesting to blog about. I should be doing my work really.

And so I will.

But I have only one thing to say today, and that is:

Some people are just so bloody thick-skinned. (chinese litereal meaning la if u dun get it)

Bye-bye.

We need help.

I thought I was ready, guess I’m still not.

Though I think my commendable acting deserves some credits. Heh. I’m getting better at this.

I don’t want to go NS laaa…ISH.

and University applications make me realize how fast we’re growing up, how fast we need to leave behind our innocence.

but you know what? It’s fine, because we were never innocent to begin with. XP

at night, I curl up in my closet.

I'm getting tired of asking,
This is the final time,
So did I make you happy?
Because you cried an ocean,
But there's a thousand lines,
About the way you smile,
Written in my mind,
But every single word's a lie.
I never wanted everything to end this way,
But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey.
I swore to you that I would do my best to change,
But you said it don't matter,
I'm looking at you from another point of view,
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you,
I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do.
Is this a sign from Heaven,
Showing me the light?
Was this supposed to happen?
I'm better off without you,
So you can leave tonight,
And don't you dare come back and try to make things right,
'Cause I'll be ready for a fight, yeah.

I never wanted everything to end this way,
But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey.
I swore to you that I would do my best to change,
But you said it don't matter,
I'm looking at you from another point of view,
I don't know how the hell I fell in love with you,
I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do.

because the hurt still goes on. fuck.

this title is not a song lyric.

I think I have serious internet addiction problem. No joke. >.<

I am charging my iPod now.

I haven’t shaved yet, but I’ll do that after this.

…

right, my life is very uninteresting.

Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world 'til the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm into the blue
And when I lose myself I think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new
Through the monsoon just me and you.

Sigh. It’s easier said than done. These things we call ‘memories’ just latch onto you like a couple of blood-depraved leeches, just won’t let go…or is it me that is refusing to forget? Maybe I’m not so over you yet.

PENGUIN PLUSHIE

or

HUSKY PLUSHIE

OMG! I would DIE like motherfucking 100 times to get my hands on either one of those plushies…or even better, I WANT BOTH! Someone please buy that for my Xmas present, you’ll be making me VERY HAPPY. *hint*

LOL. fail.

Will take no shit from a helicopter.

CONFERENCE IS OVER!! YES! FINALLY! FUCK IT FOREVER!!!!

That’s one big pressure off my shoulders. Now to concentrate on English and Law. Sigh.

Can’t believe it’s already November. I feel this year has been a…well, I don’t know, I just feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time. Just a small feeling.

and I hate pretending everything’s all right.

Gluteous Maximus like a firefly

The little voice in my head is back again, and it says:

‘Victor, you damn failure child. Yes, and I’m back to bug the shit outta you.’

Ergh.

STRESS banyak banyak. I hate ISU month. Ergh.

And I’m getting so worked up and paranoid about my Would Issues Conference this Saturday. It feels like EVERYTHING could go wrong. ARGH! tolong la…please let the shirts be done on time. SIGH.

English ISU is shit. Like, the shit in my toilet bowl after my explosive diarrhea.

Law Mock Trial practice…sigh, I need to start getting in ‘character’, Morry McFellon. What kinda gay name is that? Not to mention my CCA that’s due on 20th. Feels like it’s tomorrow!

Oh, and I failed my Moral.

Yes, laugh. How can anyone fail moral? Apparently I can. I failed with style, and I did it immorally. Pffft.

And I need to set straight a lot of knots in my life.

And oh boy, I miss you like hell. >.<"

Today,

Karven, Sareena and Veevien were talking about children with like, metal names. Jewel, Ruby, Diamond or what-ever la.

Me: Oh, then if it’s a guy? Let’s call him…Mithril!

Them: … *shake head*

Me: FINE! How about…call him Adamantium? Then he can say: Hi I’m Adamantium, but you can call me ADAM!’

 

 

I swear to God I’m not the lamest dude in my program.

And to noobcat, LI CHUNG does not sound like a WORM’s name. 

You’re already the voice inside my head.

This always happens to me.

Both ways, mind you.

And I’m not liking it at all, fed up actually.

The wall of icy cold silence, stands strong and tall before my insistent hammering on it.

It’s as clear as glass, I can see the other side, I just can’t cross over.

I’m sorry for all the things I’ve said and done,

And I forgive every wrong that’s been done to me.

Let’s take a step back and restart over ok?

Please?

To all of you.

Love is when you wanna kiss and you get bit.

I swear, deja-vu.

No matter who and no matter how, the ending is the same. Always the same. Even if it’s not 100%, there will be a 90% similarity. And you know what? I’m too tired of this to be hurt or angry.

Maybe this is my way with girls. I’m just not cut out for it.

And hell, I hate the end of the semester, where all the workload and assignments pile up, and people start getting grouchy and stressed (myself included), heck, I’ll be glad when all of this is over.

All I need now is a Reset button. Like, to stop, RESET, then restart everything all over again. Now, wouldn’t that be wonderful?

‘Colin needs menstrual pills to get rid of his mood swings.’ LOL DEBRA!

and I want to tell you, it’s not like that. Hope you’ll understand.

and i want to tell You, that I miss you and the times we had that seemed to happen so long ago.

but YOU should just disappear.

I’ve hurted, and now I got hurt.

this was like, once, the furthest i went with makeup. Quite gay.

Until now…

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell. Heh, literally.

Long time since I did a picture post. Friday, 30/11. Halloween Eve party.

lol, Samurai Kid meets…devil/ghost mafia-ish guy. =.=

31/11. Trick or Treat at Sonia’s place @Aman Suria.

We got lotsa candies!!! Funny FML moment of the night:

*Ding-dong*

Uncle opens the door.

‘HAPPY HALLOWEEN! TRICK OR TREAT!

*silence*

Uncle peers at us, then shuffles out towards the gate.

‘What you want?’

‘Er…Trick or Treat?’

*stare*

‘We er…we’re supposed to get candies? you know, it’s Halloween.’

*stares longer*

‘Candy? Sorry sorry! *waving hand shooing us away* I NOT THERE! I NOT THERE!’

WTF. WTF??? WTF IS ‘I NOT THERE?’ Omg, Fail much.

Yes, congratulations to Shin, for passing your drivers test. Now you can fetch me FOR A CHANGE. *hint*

OMG, ISU for english due next thursday, HAVEN’T START! CCA for Law, due 20th, HAVEN’T START! World Issues Workshop presentation slides, due this Saturday, along with the World Issues Conference, HAVEN’T REVISED! Moral Project essay due tomorrow (actually, it’s over-due, tomorrow last chance to hand in), HAVEN’T BEGUN TO CARE!

Heh. Stress much? Maybe.

I broke my drumsticks beating the blue pelican.

Karma.

OK, I’m seriously a believer now.

Like, seriously.

Karma, ouch man, the revelation you get when you experience it, like, a punch in the stomach, a mental kick to your brain.

Hurts much. So my past begins to haunt me again.