2008.Game Over. 2009. Play Again.

So it’s that time of the year again. I see people saying that it’s time to throw away the past and move on to grasp the future. But then, what is a future without the past? Can you ever so nonchalantly forget everything that has happened to you?

No, for me, i will always forever look back. But not with regret anymore. I’ll look back and tell myself: ‘Oh, what a loser and idiot i was, ok, not gonna do that again.’ I’ll look back and tell myself: ‘Hey, that was a priceless moment. I’ll never forget that, maybe i should create more moments like that this year.’ I’ll look back and tell myself: ‘she deserves better than me.’

I left high school with regret and self-pity. It’s true, i really want to relive that day again, but with a different outlook. This year, no doubt, I’ve gone through a very great emotional turmoil. But looking back, it was all self-brought. I know i was stupid. I know there will be dents and scars that i cannot erase. But I’ll learn to live with my mistakes. I’ll prove that i will and can be a better person. It was indeed a great lesson that I’ve learnt.

I was never a strong person to begin with. No, not meaning physically. I told myself, I have to revert back to the happy-go-lucky dude i was back then. But i think I’ve done some growing up, for the better or worse, i do not know. I’ve come to terms with myself that i cannot change to suit everyone’s will. I am me. I know, i have more shortcomings than all the Chinese people added up together in the world. I’ve been depressed, wallowing myself in negative thoughts and feelings. I’ve been there, but i will not be there again. Sure, there might be times when I'll occasionally fall back into the gloom, but i won’t be floating there, enjoying the tide with the fishes anymore. It’s a promise…

…A new year’s resolution.

I’ve also learned to understand my own feelings. I will live by this decision of mine. I will not waver. This will be the best, for the both of us. I won’t put you in awkward situations anymore. I will be the better person, the better friend. Arguing with myself won’t help anymore. I’m learning to let go, but at the same time, holding on.

Trusting my friends is also another thing I’ve learned to deal with. Yea, insecurity. I’ve had my fair share of insecure moments all year long. No, i promise i won’t think ill of my friends anymore, i won’t, not even for a minute, doubt their love and caring for me. I’m the ungrateful one, and I’m terribly sorry for all the things I’ve said or done to hurt you guys. Know that, deep in my heart, i love all of you. I really do. Thank you for being my friend.

It really is time to put words into action. College is already knocking on my door. I’ll open it, and embrace it. A new year, a new start.

But yea, even though i won’t be going out tonight to celebrate, I’m still quite excited about the new year. =) But it’ll just be a tad lonelier this new year’s eve.

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone. I’ll save the new year’s greeting for tomorrow.