You need to glow before you can shine.

So it’s time to type out the most important (and hopefully, meaningful) post of the year. Yea, new years eve resolution post/reflection post.

Before I started this, I reread the past year end posts I did. Why? Oh you know, doing some re-reflection of my past reflections so I can reflect better for this years reflection.

=)

But anyways, let’s rewind all the way back to January. The start of my college year.

Well, looking back, I wasn’t exactly happy to start off with ICPU. Felt quite of a loner, because besides Victor Tan, there was literally no one I really knew. Dread those days (in fact, weeks) when I had to eat lunch on my own. Was really depressed and down. I guess a lot of stuff happened in 2008, and I think I sorta lost my ‘making-new-friends’ touch. Sigh much.

But ICPU people are not just people, they are awesome people. Reconnected with some people like Jervis and Andrew whom I knew years ago. Made new awesome friends like Shafique, XuanXian, Shauyin, Mohammed, Ali, Parham and so many more. Lecturers were cool, and I really enjoyed my classes (except when it came to ISU’s).

You sense a ‘but’ coming along, and you sensed right.

My ghosts of the past decided to come back to haunt me. I lost count of the posts I wrote expressing this particular…regret and mistake. In the end, I lost a friendship that I patched up after so long. Well, I asked for it. I couldn’t see the bigger picture, I couldn’t control my emotions, and most of all, I couldn’t keep my promise. I’m not such a great guy like people tell me I am after all. I’m still the same as I was 2 years ago.

Then came the 2nd semester of my college life. I got to meet a gang of people that literally turned my world upside down, IN A GOOD WAY. =) I would say, that, the 2nd half of the year for me was one heck of an emotional train ride, ups and downs and all the bumps and curves.

(it spells ICPU)

College life was beginning to look like the life I envisioned. I really treasure the moments. Though, there are some moments that I wished I could forget or erase or even re-do. Again, countless of posts regarding this. But as a highlight,

I’ve learned not to trust so easily anymore. I’ve learned that I’m not ready. I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try, it will never work out, nor will I get what I want. I’ve learned that, indeed, I will never be good enough for anyone.

Fullstop.

Honestly, when I told myself last year that I’ll mature and learn to control my emotions, I really did try. But then again, when was my best ever good enough? In fact, it’s safe to say I screwed up more compared to past years. I squandered 3 friendships, and that’s and all time high for me. Don’t tell me I’ll break another record next year?  =(

Rawr.

To be brutally frank with myself, I would say, I regret about a lot of things that I’ve done and said throughout the year. I had a lot of happy moments, I did. But the down parts of my life just outweighed everything.

Tis ish sho shad.

In general, looking back, I won’t say 2009 was exactly a good year, but it wasn’t that bad either. Though if I could re-do 2009, I would.

I guess, the only thing I can do for 2010, is to forget and move on. It’s hard, I know because that’s been what I’ve been trying to do all this while. Wish me luck.

On a jollier note,

 

Next stop, University.

OH WAIT! I forgot, new years resolution:

Well, this has been my mantra for the past few years:

Some things you can never get, think about that.

So, for the upcoming year, I SHALL DISPOSE OF THIS KIND OF THINKING! 2010! BE POSITIVE LA GODDAMMIT!

Please, remember me for the good times, and not the bad. That’s all I’m asking.

It was the violet flower that started the chaos.

I thought I was ready, I really did. Nights and nights of thinking and brooding. Hours and hours of talking with close friends…

But I wasn’t, never was.

So when it came to physical confrontation, it took all that I had to keep a straight face. I was struggling not to burst out. I had to run away as fast as I could, because it hurt so bad inside.

I am such a pathetic failure.

So everything I told myself since 4 years ago were true. All of it, irrefutable facts.

I don’t deserve anybody, coz they deserve better than me.

I will never get what I want.

I’m never good enough.

Fuck, when I tried so hard and took me so long to stagger to my feet again, it all came crashing down, in just one night. How much more fragile can I get?

It’s hard to not think about it, when everything is just staring right at your face. Moving on is one thing. Letting go is another. To move on, you have to let go.

This feels so familiar, typing this again to end my post:

Things you can never get, think about that.

I mean, who uses Colgate anymore?

HEEELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I still remember, THAT was the first word for my first ever blog post of my first blog. (serious! i went back to my first blog to double-check FIRST somemore.)

I mean, I started blogging because back then in 2005, I didn’t understand what was the big hype about blogging then, so I decided, let’s give it shot.

What started out as curiosity, ended up as obsession.

OK LA, being the sohai form 3 kid I was, I had NEGATIVE amount knowledge of computer and internet shiznit. (the only thing I knew what to do was to turn on the goddamn comp, and play Ragnarok.) I ended up forgetting not ONE, but TWO of my blogs’ password. So victorisnotyou.blogspot.com, being the 3rd attempt, was my FIRST ever serious blog. (serious in a sense that I remember the password and post stuff up there for real la, shuddup)

So how good can a 15 year old kid be at blogging? Answer: very bad.

You know, I was literally LAUGHING MY TESTICLES OFF while reading my posts back then, thinking: THIS WAS THE ONLY SHIT I COULD COME UP WITH? And then I realized, how much I’ve grown as a person and blogger.

Oh, and I cannot blog with music on, distracts me like-

‘I WANNA FUCK A DOG IN THE ASS, JUST WANNA FUCK A DOG IN THE ASS! WANNA FUCK A DOG!’ (by Blink 182)

There, see? >=(

Anyways. Moving on to my sophomore years in high school. I changed my blog URL to victorissonotyoula.blogspot.com in an ATTEMPT to be FUNNY. (needless to say, FAILED pretty badly) My form 4 & 5 years were very…eventful, which lead to daily blogging, sometimes, 2 posts per day. Yes, I was that obsessed. I mean, 16-17 year old angst-ridden teen given a place/tool to rant as much as he wants? C’mon.

Then of course, what I presumed to be my best friend, turned out to be my thorn in the ass. Long story cut short, my emo phase TURNED ON. So yea.

…

No, it’ll take me at least 1000+ words to sum up what happened then.

IN A NUTSHELL, I decided to shut down that blog, start a new one. THIS ONE in fact. theworldaintemo.blogspot.com. See the connection? No? Like, turn over a new leaf la! DON’T EMO SO MUCH MAR!

…

another example of fail.

I was (probably still am) much too naive to think that I will never ever feel sad or depressed again after ‘that’ incident. Short-sightedness, that’s what we call it. But I honestly did try not to fill up this blog with emo shits like I did previously. I started out great, you know, being a lil sarcastic in my posts.

BUT.

Shit happens. Mostly to me.

So for those of you (very few) people who follows this blog, you may (or may not) have noticed that I blocked public views. Reason?

…

Take a guess. =.=

Yea. Emo.

I was really,really shot down, to the point I actually had to block my blog to sorta stop myself from writing emo stuff. I knew the more I wrote, the emo-er I get. So drastic measures had to be taken.

Yet, not blogging just didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me at all.

All I can say is, that the whole week of last week, I don’t want to remember nor mention it anymore. What happened, happened. No point crying over spilt milk (forgive cliche).

I can never give up blogging, no matter how hard I try. So I’m not gonna stop, nor am I gonna close this blog and start a new one. (that’s gay) Hopefully, I’ll be 100% myself very, very soon.

A quick update of the status of the current me:

1. Bored
2. Bored
3. Bored
4. A little bit sad/wistful.
5. Bored
6. …
7. Fuck this shit

IT’S GODDAM XMAS EVE AND I’M HERE TYPING THIS SHIT! RAWR!

Signing off,

I am Vaginasaurus Sex.

In case I don’t get a chance to wish you tomorrow. I missed blogging. =)

Fireflies in my jar.

RAWR!

Omg, can’t believe I’m actually blogging. Busy mar…and a lot of stuff dah happened these past few days.

So Graduation Day was awesome. Got quite a lot of praises for my MC speech which I still feel I don’t really deserve, but thanks a lot of anyways. Grades a tad disappointing, but hey! still better than I expected.

Watched New Moon with Cat and Ferret, but that sucked so bad, I don’t even want to blog about it.

Then few days later watched Couples Retreat with thebestfriend. Hmm…not a bad movie la, but not one you will remember and want to watch a second time. Meh.

AND FINALLY! AFTER SOOOO EFFIN LONG! I GOT TO WATCH PRINCESS AND THE FROG! JIZZZ!!!!

my verdict:

I still love Disney.

Why? The story was funny, heart-warming, and magical. It made my night. Literally. =)

Meow.

I’d probably suck at this, but I’ll learn quick. I want to be there when you need me. Learn to trust me. I’ll do my best. I’m going to miss you like hell, but I guess this is going to be my first trial. Enjoy your trip.

This Christmas is going to be lonely. But I’ll deal with it. =)

Sox. Soy.

Today, after graduation day rehearsal, Sarah haris, sareena and yours truly had insane cravings for Domino’'s Classified Chicken, and that’s what we got.

2 Large pizzas, one cinnasticks, one breadsticks, 2 cans of Sprite and 2 Cans of Coke.

Semua habis. We were that hungry. Lots of dirty talking to help with digestion too. HEE

And THAT, was before my nap.

Now that' i’ve woken up, I am SOOOOO pissed off right now, I can’t even articulate proper words. (which is why I’m typing)

Screw TOEFL shit, because of that, my application to University of Toronto is in deep shit. Fuck me silly.

I hate it so bad when you do that. and you were complaining I wasn’t talking to you. what about now? what about you? such hypocrisy.

Kill me right now. ergh

Systematic, So Dramatic.

You know, it’s like, you realized something really long ago, forgot about it, then you re-realized it again. Yes, that much fail in me.

I realized that

I will never be good enough. For anything, for anyone. And yes, I have proof to back up that statement. (not sharing though.)

Well, I did share this thought with a couple of friends, and they told me, ‘Yea sure, coz there are and always will be people who are better than us.’

I agree, totally. But what if it’s something you wanted, something you tried hard to get? And everything just comes down in shambles at the very end. The end. yeah, belakang sana tu. And reason why that happens? I’m not good enough, so I get thrown aside.

Rawr.

After all this, I still didn’t learn my lesson. I keep telling myself, stop giving yourself false hope, you’ll only hurt yourself. Together now: It’s easier said than done.

Imagine me down here, and my goal/dream is up there. And I need to overcome this ladder to success. All that’s between me and my dream is…well, the ladder.

I have not the strength to toil or climb anymore. I’m tired.

Some things you can never get, think about that.

A line that has been with me since my high school days. Holds so much truth in it.

I hate being the loser. I hate not getting what I want. I hate how I have to tell myself I’m not good enough for anyone. I hate how things always ends up being a train wreck at the end. I hate forcing that smile on my face. I hate the feeling of never knowing how it is to be handsome/successful. I hate it when I get mixed signals. I hate having false hopes. I hate being alone. I hate not being to able to say the things I really want to say. I hate how I can never cross that boundary line. I hate it when I get played around. I hate it when I know I can never have you.

Jeez.

Take a pen, stab.

OMGGGGG!!!

OH EM GEE!!!!

GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY

GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY!!!!

FUCKK!!!

ARGHHH!!!

LOL LOL LOL!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

shitfacefuckincockfagmonkeyballsontoast.

WALAO EH!!!

I FEEL SO FUCKING NOOB NOW THAT I WANT TO DIE!!!

MOST FML MOMENT BY FAR IN MY WHOLE LIFE!

I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! NO WAIT, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S SO NOOB THAT I CAN’T!

lesson:

double check. double mutha fucking check.

I’m still broke. Someone belanja me or take me out please? meow.

Summersplash Rape Coaster.

I need to chill.

*teh o kosong tambah aiiisss!!!*

Hoooboyyy…I got an emcee coaching session with this dude next monday.

sorry it was the only decent picture I could get of him. (LOL at mostbeautifulman.com at the bottom there)

ok I lied. there are more decent pictures out there, like this.

OK I have seriously no idea why I’m posting pictures of a semi-nude dude.

But he’s not just any dude. You guys might remember him as the host of Amazing Race Asia, Allan Wu. Yeap, he’s a taylor’s alumni, and he’s gonna gimme some pointers on how to become a better emcee for my Graduation Day.

I hope he’s nice. You know what they say about TV personalities.

And I need to get that speech done for the goddamn Open Day.

And I’m grounded, for denting the car. Oh yay. Sigh, I won’t have money to go out anyways. I’m officially flat broke, and this is only Day 3 of my holidays. =.=

LOL. Gotta love Dr Tran. You don’t like him? oh boy, he’s gonna FUCK YOU UP!

…

……

what? I can’t be emo all the time right? Meh.

I will run with one leg if it will open your heart.

Sigh, it’s already 12.30am, so I guess I have to say the things that happened to me YESTERDAY (though it was only a few hours ago) really made me…no, IS MAKING me feeling so crappy now, I can just break down and cry.

Seriously, the whole effin night, eventhough there was great company, shit just had to keep happening. Fuck.

First, I don’t even know we are still arguing over the same thing. I’ve been honest all along, if you don’t believe me, it’s your goddam loss.

And then I scratched my car. Fuck it’s not just a scratch, it’s like a dent with multiple scratches. So it’s a…dcratches? FUCK LA. FUCK FUCK FUCK! my dad’s gonna kill me when he wakes up in the morning and sees the wreckage…(ok la, not wreckage, it’s not SO bad. But hey, it’s my first accident, of course he’s gonna freak out right?)

…

…I didn’t choose to be like this. I hope you’ll understand, even a little bit, of what I’m going through now. Or maybe you wouldn’t, because I never said anything, so that constitutes to my fault I guess. I’m not a fighter. Maybe I was, but not now. I can’t do anything anymore. I’m just…

…I don’t want to give up yet.

and the tears I’ve been holding all night has finally come. Thank you.

The little ball deflated and did a little jig.

Say it with me now:

EXAMS ARE O-VUH! SAY IT! O-VUH! (sounds like ovary)

This is so weird man, like, after I handed in that last paper (which incidentally was my Law paper, and to tell you the truth, it did not get my balls like previously mentioned in the post before this, but it did burn off my foreskin) only then did I realize that my college life is 110% over! OMG la. DAMN FAST WEI!

Well.

I have nothing more to say. I am gonna sleep my days away.

…

no, I’m gonna go enjoy the last few days of my 18th year of life. AND AND AND! CHRISTMAS IS COMING SOOOONNN!!!!! YEA! XD XD XD

Can’t wait to watch Princess and The Frog with cat and ferret. teehee.

This hurt runs much more deeper than you think. I’m just protecting myself.

The Werepigs are out to get us. Run.

YES! JIZZ! ONE MORE FRIGGIN PAPER LEFT AND ITS GOODBYE ICPU FOREVER!!!

FYI, tomorrow’s paper is Law, which in my opinion, will effortlessly shave my balls clean and poach them to the right degree of softness, then proceed to deep fry it and garnish it with basil leaves and a squirt of lemon on top.

You didn’t read that.

Yes, I’ve been fairly emo and disturbed these past days. Trust me, you do not want to experience what I just went through. (yes, 13 year olds adolescence’s favorite line) So enough was enough. Called thebestfriend and had a long talk about it. She never fails to make me feel ten tons better.

And I came to the conclusion that, there are really SOME thick-skinned people in my life. Enough said. And thinking about that, somehow makes me feel my circle of friends is getting smaller and smaller. Lonely and alone? I don’t know.

For all that it’s worth, I don’t wanna care any more. I will spend my time with people who really care for my feelings. Yes, I’m feeling very bitchy now. But it’s time I get on the offensive side and STOP taking crap into my life.

Oh, and happy birthday to my sex partner SARAH SHEAH! I don’t have a very racy and sexy picture of us, so I can’t post any. But hey! Remember the good sex we had. *wink*