To relive that moment, to live again.

It’s 12.20am, midnight. I’m here typing this. Why? Coz I like it. So sue me.

Hate feeling like this all over again. It breaks down everything I’ve been trying to build up. No, more like cover up. I don’t want to ooze weakness, to let my guard down, not even for a second, especially not in front of you. I deserve an ‘A’ for effort. Repetition gets annoying sometimes, no? Really, because I’m fuckin sick of telling myself how pathetic this situation is. To know that you already know the outcome, you know the truth, inevitable, yet desperately clinging on to some wild hope, lying to yourself. This is what I’ve molded myself into. Believe me, I hate it as much as you do.

The cause of all this? I don’t know. Not pointing fingers here.

To get tied up like this, dangling. I just wish those threads would break and let me fall, until I hit solid ground. Whether I break my neck or something, just let me hit ground so I can pick myself up again and learn to move on, even if I have to crawl.

Why? Why this? Why me? I could really just walk up and blurt out everything. I’ve considered the pro’s and con’s of that. Or maybe I could wait till the day she confronts me. Or maybe, I should really just continue to sulk here.

Do you feel it? Or is it just me? Closer but the wall is still there. Rock hard reality. Or just stubborn lies?